Music- The Glue During Troubled Times
I stood longingly at the window, desperately searching for a glimpse of Mum's shadow in the artificially-lit street. I glanced at the wall clock as the mechanic ticking echoed angrily. The time burnt through my head.10:30pm.10:30pm and Mum had been gone for two hours with no hint of her return. This might not sound serious. However, when Mum left the house, she was in the midst of a psychotic episode and she disappeared from the house at the speed of light. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an isolated incident. I had turned eight a few months prior and since then she had disappeared multiple times for several hours. Mum suffered from severe schizophrenia and psychosis. During each episode I would think to myself:
‘Will she ever come back? Will I see her again? How are passers-by going to react towards her?’
My mind was lost within a waterfall of tears cascading from my eyes.
Despite my worst fears, Mum did in fact return that night. At 3:30am. In the back of a police car. The police officers told Dad that Mum had been found causing a disturbance on a bridge over a busy road. She was a danger to herself as well as to road users so members of the public had called the police. A sense of relief rushed through my mind. Then a multitude of scenarios. She was safe. But for how long? Immediately after this event, Mum was admitted to a psychiatric ward. This was to be the first admission of many.
During the years that followed, life largely consisted of school, visiting Mum when she was admitted to the ward and crippling fear that when she was discharged she would disappear again. It was a time of uncertainty. Chaos. Fear. Glimmers of light but unprecedented cloudiness. Taunts from the local children on the estate of having a ‘mad mum.’ She was known as the local ‘fruit loop’ and I was known as the ‘daughter of the mad lady.’ The stigma cut deeply, like a knife that was being twisted relentlessly.
What was my main coping mechanism for the demands of living in a chaotic and unpredictable environment ? Music. Alone, with my clarinet, piano and voice, creating melodies and songs that would dilute every feeling of sadness and fear. Music was and still is my happy place . A place to get lost in. A place to put pen to paper and watch the lyrics tumble down like an avalanche. A sanctuary. Minutes would soon become hours as I sat, playing the clarinet and becoming absorbed by the melodies. Music was and will always be a constant ,something to rely on. Somewhere to call home. And that feeling only intensified as the years rolled by. A passion that my dad also shared.
As a child, during brief moments of tranquility, Dad and I would sit huddled together listening to 60’s music on the radio. Music united us as a family when we were at our most vulnerable. My Great Uncle John also had severe mental ill health, yet when he was playing the piano and organ, his acute suffering came to a dramatic halt. His trembling hands became calm. The pain on his face diminished. One of the moments that I remember fondly during my childhood was when Great Uncle John would play carols on the piano at Christmas and we would all stand around as a family, singing together. A core memory that will never fade. A glimmer of light in the darkness.
Thirty four years later, Mum’s schizophrenia is stable thanks to the wonders of modern medicine .I am happily married and we have children of our own. Although mental ill health has not spared me during my adult life, music has remained by my side. In March, I ended 17 years of procrastination and fear of rejection by releasing my debut single ‘Begging You To Go.’ It documents the reality of living with OCD and anxiety and describes the inner turmoil that the conditions cause. Four other tracks followed soon afterwards. My debut Album, ‘Refocus,’ will document my journey from the hopeless to the hopeful. From being controlled by mental ill health to thriving and releasing music that is listened to all over the world. And who are my biggest fans ? My parents.
My dad listened to one of my songs in the car and he was beaming with pride. My mum is now in a state of mind where she can appreciate and enjoy the music that her daughter creates. She listens attentively and says how much she enjoys my music. The very thing that lifted her daughter up during the toughest times of our lives as a family now glues us together once more. For that I will be forever grateful.
My most recent track ,‘Together’ by Kat Button is available now on all streaming platforms.