Deterioration
Abbey wrote “Deterioration” after realizing how her relationships mirrored patterns of substance abuse.
I’ve run out of creative ways to miss you
I don’t have any metaphors for this
All I can think about is how you kiss
My god, girl, look at this mess!
Food tastes like ash
And drinks don’t quench my thirst
My belly feels too low, too tight
Almost - but not quite - a first
I’m pacing through my backyard
Carving canyons in the dirt
And wondering aloud to myself
Arguing with my fleeting self worth
I’m biting my nails,
I’m taking your bait
I’m answering your modeled self-love
With my merciless brand of self-hate
And I haven’t slept in days
I’m hungry, I’m angry
I’m lonely, I’m tired
I’m trying to HALT all this shit
But my body is too tightly wired
I don’t think you’re trying to hurt me
And I really believe you’d care
But the rules we’ve set in place
Mean it’s a secret I don’t share
It’s like I haven’t earned you
And let’s be real, I haven’t
You try teaching this old dog
A list of brand new habits
And I can’t quite figure out
How to put into words
How something feels so good
And also just fucking hurts
But I think maybe that’s the problem
With this. With you. With me.
I keep trying to make sense of it
Knowing full well you’re going to leave
Are you drowning in waves with me?
Of pain and ecstasy
I promised I wouldn’t regret it
But you’re hitting like an amphetamine
The higher you fly,
The farther you fall
That’s the painful lesson I learned
The first time I felt this all
It’s a drop that takes your stomach
Before it consumes your heart
It’s knowing what’s going to happen
It’s hitting the ground before you ever depart
Fine, fine. Go.
I understand it all. No, really.
But this energy has to go somewhere
Or the ache inside might actually kill me
Not in a poignant way
Like how Shakespeare said
But quieter, softer, deeper
Where it’s broken inside my head
Where trauma and memory
Are twisted and tainted
And prettier worlds
Are just begging to be painted
Because energy can’t be created
And energy can’t be destroyed
It only really changes form
Even as it engulfs you in its void
So as I’m sitting here, love-sick
And oddly enjoying the familiar pain
Wearing my tears like badges of honor
Crying out your name
I’ll smile and nod and be too kind
Because I love you too much to be cruel
Some things are actually worse than shame
And that’s what’s truly. fucking. brutal.
And the morning light
burns my eyes
And I’m fresh out of
Creative ways to miss this
Don’t look now, honey
Keep sleeping on it
…Cuz what are you gonna do If I think long enough And actually manage to fix it?